Stupid Boi is nothing more | nothing less

The other day I had a jolting realization.  I can honestly say that I can only be defined by one thing, HIV.  I am an educator, that is the only thing in my life that I can define myself as.  I am nothing more. I've been the "AIDS/Condom/Sex Guy" for so long that I forget sometimes how to turn that off.  It's hard to be a part of a community and everyone wants to talk to you about sex/sexuality all the time.

I watch the world around me go by, there are so many people being defined by so much more then their job.  I know roller girls, mothers, sisters, brothers, and so much more.   I am a lot of those things by title only.  I am a brother, uncle, and son; not that I have really ever done anything about any of those things.

I am not a great uncle or brother...never really done anything that has made my family really take notice.  I am not even that great at my job.  I am, however, really good at being a know-it-all and being an egomaniac (or so I've been told...see I am not even confident in that).   I learned recently to just accept that some people just don't like me.  It has taken me my entire adult life to learn that.

I guess I haven't really tried to be anything else either.  I mean, I hide behind this bitchy exterior, when in reality there is nothing more then a scared little boy playing at being a man.  I don't feel my age, I defiantly don't look it. :-)  I am just unsure about who I am...which in turn makes me really crazy because I feel that I am too old to not know.

I guess this is the whole meaning of life question, right? What is does it all mean?  I just want some direction, I want some ambition...I love what I do, but I want to be more. I want to be interesting like my friends.  My friends are all really talented people...singers, actors, writers.  I am mediocre at all those things at best.  I am just an educator, not that there is anything wrong with that.  I mean, I could change people's lives...not that I would know.

I guess I don't even feel like a good educator.  I take what I do too seriously.  I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me a question about my job.  I responded "it's more then just a job, it's my life...it's all I know".  After I said that I felt so foolish...but it's true.  It is all I know, maybe it's all I'll ever be. Just your mediocre  run of the mill HIV educator.

Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook of my friends and I envy them.  I look at their lives and what they are doing. I have a friend who teaches in Korea, another going to the Peace Corps, and another who travels the world making it a better place.

I guess I have just always believed that I was supposed to be great. Do something big...make people notice.  I am not sure that I even notice myself anymore.  I just mechanize my whole life.  Wake up...work...sit on my ass...sleep.

Maybe I wasn't meant for anything...just another brick in the wall.

Y'all Stupid Boi is Angry.

Change! Can someone change?  I have to say that in the past couple of months, I have really hated myself.  I hate what people call me.  I know that I dug that hole.  I mean could I really be that Bitchy?  Am I the most Offensive person you know?  Or is it that you don't actually know me?

Just the other night I was so Fucking nice to someone who made fun of me and the work I do TO MY FUCKING FACE.  It took everything I had not to lay that cunning linguist (see what I did there) out! I am sorry that you think what I do for a living is something to make fun of...you won't be laughing so FUCKING Hard when you have to come and get tested or G*D Forbid that test comes back positive.  In fact I smiled and the FATHER FUCKER and refrained from reading him like I had a test the next day!

Oh shit, y'all Stupid Boi is angry...as usual.  I am just so tired of feeling like I don't measure up...no matter what I do.  Just once I want someone to stop saying "you do good work" and actually help!

I am sorry that I had to post this...it just had to come out, because I can't spend one more night crying.  I have done some real damage to my self-esteem, self-worth, and my mental health.  I just can't take this anymore! I know I should be more "thicked skinned" but I am not.  Sorry I cannot be the nicest most humble person in the world. 


Thank You,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi's Rules of Friendship!

So I recently had a conversation about “friendship” and the rules surrounding it.  I think it is funny that there are these “unwritten” rules.  So in an effort to save people time I have taken the time to write down my Top Ten rules.  Feel Free to add any you would like!

1)      A friend must attend all functions related to friendship…i.e. weddings, funerals, birthdays, Court appearances, etc.  (Only acceptable excuse is death of a loved one or self!)

2)      Friends must complement other friends on appearance at least once a week.  Unless said appearance is not up to par with current group standards.

3)      Friends must tell friends if they have stepped out of line. (i.e. Bitch are you having a BBQ cause your grill is fucked up!)

4)      Every friend gets one good punch to be forgiven immediately.  (So make it good and make it count) (Jimmy John’s Ham Sandwich Incident of 2002)

5)      If said friend pisses you off, a three day waiting period must occur before discussion of violations. (Three Day Act of 2006)

6)      Never jeopardize friends or friendships by acting in a way that would social embarrass or cause the arrest of another friend.  (unless both parties are arrested, then it’s a good night)  

7)      All “Best Friends” must defend each other in the public eye, but may call you out in private.  (Best Friend Act of 1767)

8)      Any picture that will create revenue for a friend of someone famous is fair game, unless it causes irrevocable damage to said friends fame. (i.e.  any picture of people in drag = Fair Game, and picture of people blowing FOX news anchors= bad news)

9)      All groups of four must compare themselves to famous groups of four. (i.e.  Golden Girls, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I’m Leonardo!)

10)   All grouping must attempt to complete Human spectrum.  (Our group is only one away!)

XOXO,

Stupid Boi