The other day I had a jolting realization. I can honestly say that I can only be defined by one thing, HIV. I am an educator, that is the only thing in my life that I can define myself as. I am nothing more. I've been the "AIDS/Condom/Sex Guy" for so long that I forget sometimes how to turn that off. It's hard to be a part of a community and everyone wants to talk to you about sex/sexuality all the time.
I watch the world around me go by, there are so many people being defined by so much more then their job. I know roller girls, mothers, sisters, brothers, and so much more. I am a lot of those things by title only. I am a brother, uncle, and son; not that I have really ever done anything about any of those things.
I am not a great uncle or brother...never really done anything that has made my family really take notice. I am not even that great at my job. I am, however, really good at being a know-it-all and being an egomaniac (or so I've been told...see I am not even confident in that). I learned recently to just accept that some people just don't like me. It has taken me my entire adult life to learn that.
I guess I haven't really tried to be anything else either. I mean, I hide behind this bitchy exterior, when in reality there is nothing more then a scared little boy playing at being a man. I don't feel my age, I defiantly don't look it. :-) I am just unsure about who I am...which in turn makes me really crazy because I feel that I am too old to not know.
I guess this is the whole meaning of life question, right? What is does it all mean? I just want some direction, I want some ambition...I love what I do, but I want to be more. I want to be interesting like my friends. My friends are all really talented people...singers, actors, writers. I am mediocre at all those things at best. I am just an educator, not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, I could change people's lives...not that I would know.
I guess I don't even feel like a good educator. I take what I do too seriously. I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me a question about my job. I responded "it's more then just a job, it's my life...it's all I know". After I said that I felt so foolish...but it's true. It is all I know, maybe it's all I'll ever be. Just your mediocre run of the mill HIV educator.
Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook of my friends and I envy them. I look at their lives and what they are doing. I have a friend who teaches in Korea, another going to the Peace Corps, and another who travels the world making it a better place.
I guess I have just always believed that I was supposed to be great. Do something big...make people notice. I am not sure that I even notice myself anymore. I just mechanize my whole life. Wake up...work...sit on my ass...sleep.
Maybe I wasn't meant for anything...just another brick in the wall.
I watch the world around me go by, there are so many people being defined by so much more then their job. I know roller girls, mothers, sisters, brothers, and so much more. I am a lot of those things by title only. I am a brother, uncle, and son; not that I have really ever done anything about any of those things.
I am not a great uncle or brother...never really done anything that has made my family really take notice. I am not even that great at my job. I am, however, really good at being a know-it-all and being an egomaniac (or so I've been told...see I am not even confident in that). I learned recently to just accept that some people just don't like me. It has taken me my entire adult life to learn that.
I guess I haven't really tried to be anything else either. I mean, I hide behind this bitchy exterior, when in reality there is nothing more then a scared little boy playing at being a man. I don't feel my age, I defiantly don't look it. :-) I am just unsure about who I am...which in turn makes me really crazy because I feel that I am too old to not know.
I guess this is the whole meaning of life question, right? What is does it all mean? I just want some direction, I want some ambition...I love what I do, but I want to be more. I want to be interesting like my friends. My friends are all really talented people...singers, actors, writers. I am mediocre at all those things at best. I am just an educator, not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, I could change people's lives...not that I would know.
I guess I don't even feel like a good educator. I take what I do too seriously. I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me a question about my job. I responded "it's more then just a job, it's my life...it's all I know". After I said that I felt so foolish...but it's true. It is all I know, maybe it's all I'll ever be. Just your mediocre run of the mill HIV educator.Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook of my friends and I envy them. I look at their lives and what they are doing. I have a friend who teaches in Korea, another going to the Peace Corps, and another who travels the world making it a better place.
I guess I have just always believed that I was supposed to be great. Do something big...make people notice. I am not sure that I even notice myself anymore. I just mechanize my whole life. Wake up...work...sit on my ass...sleep.
Maybe I wasn't meant for anything...just another brick in the wall.
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