Stupid Boi Goes to The National LGBTI Health Summit

What I have witnessed over the last couple of days has been extremely terrifying. I went to the National LGBTI Health Summit in Chicago. I watched as hundreds of people converged on the Hilton Hotel across from Grant Park and began to talk about issues surrounding our health. There was a lot of talk of HIV/AIDS, but there were quite a few of other things discussed.

Let me first tell you where I was when I went to this conference. First I was frustrated because I had to pay for everything myself. My initial thought was “This better be worth it!” I arrived in Chicago Thursday night and met my friend Thaddeus, cause I was staying with him. We went back to his apartment and caught up about old Iowa stories and what we’ve been doing. It’s hard to say this but I feel like I have fallen down.

Friday: Gay but not Narrow!
I walked into the front doors of the Hilton Hotel and Towers. It is a GRAND old hotel, quite lovely. I was abruptly greeted with a big sign that say “BISEXUAL HEALTH SUMMIT”. I obviously knew I was in the right place! At that moment I felt really uncomfortable with this brightly coloured sign. I thought what are people gonna think of me if they see me walking into this room clearly labeled “Bisexual”. I don’t know if it was my internalized Homophobia or Biphobia. I walked up the grand stairs to the registration table where I was met with smiles. They handed me a badge with my name and a Manhunt lanyard. Then they asked me a question that I have never been asked before; “Are you Bi or a Bi Ally?” That question through me for a loop. I really didn’t know how to respond. I chose Bi Ally, cause I am a gay man.

For a moment I felt really out of the loop. For once I was an ally to a community instead of seeking them out. I felt kinda like the outsider looking in on this group. I took my place at the table and listened to everything that they said. I was so interested in hearing what people had to say because it was now REALLY important to me as an Ally. I figured in the past since I have included the “B” in the rainbow alphabet I was doing what I was supposed to. Boy, was I wrong! I learned so much that telling you about all of it right now would be lengthy. I realized there are health disparities within the Bi community that are so different from that of the L&G communities.
That summit came to an end and it was time for the opening ceremony of the LGBTI Health Summit. This was hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Abbey of the Windy City Sisters. When you walked in there was a table with a white sheet on it and a card that said “What are you ashamed of?” Well that was a shock, after much hesitation I got up walked over and wrote:

“That I never learned how to make myself happy without pulling others down”

I couldn’t believe that I had actually written that on this sheet for everyone to see! The Sisters then performed a ritual where they “Expiated Guilt”. Then there was a bar crawl through Boystown.

Saturday: So it begins
This morning was hard to get up for! I walked back through the hotel to the 5th floor where I went to workshops on HIV, different studies, and workshops on PrEP (Pre-exposure Prophylaxes) and Anal Microbicides. I learned a lot of information that I didn’t know about these things. My mind began to feel full already and it was only the first day! That evening there was a meet and greet at the Center on Halsted. So I headed to Boystown on the red line to meet and greet. We were given a tour of this AMAZING center. I meet really awesome people, had some conversation.

Sunday: Running Scared
On Sunday we continued to do workshops and talk about the things going in the HIV world. I began to get a little scared because I was presenting at the end of the conference. I knew that I would have to step up my gay-me! We walked through the day and I listened to people talk about things that were sometime just either over my head or just not that interesting. I began to notice something though…people were actually being respectful to each other.

There is often this phenomena that happens when gay men get into a room together, we begin to divide into sub groups. The A-Gays, Bears, Losers, etc. Although those group lines were there it was not that people were making an effort to be exclusive.
Sunday night we were supposed to have a reception, however, that go canceled. So Sister Flo performed a ritual where we created a ball of joy to take with us into this world. We stood in a big circle in the middle of the Hilton, holding hands with a man with a white face and dressed as a nun. It was actually awesome!

Monday: Start again and rewind the tape!
So Monday comes and I honestly had a hangover from the night before. So I went to my workshops and learned more about HIV, Transgender issues, etc. That night we had a forum on Barebacking at the Center on Halsted. So I again got on the Red line and headed down there. I talked to people who were around me and sat and listened to the forum talk about this subject which become a volatile conversation. After that I walked down Boystown to head home because I knew I had to be up in the morning to present. I wondered down the street and tried to process the things I was feeling, learning, and wondering about.

I got back to the apartment and I took a shower and sat there. As I began to go through my presentation, tears ran down my face. I was ANGRY, EXCITED, SAD, FRUSTRATED, AND HAPPY. So the only way to express those emotions was to cry. I thought about why I was crying, I realized two major things:

My own insecurities hold me back from being who I once was and I began to heal. My community has always felt hostile and cruel. I have always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be a “gay man”. I began to heal that hurt and pain that I played victim to my whole life. I know that my community is cruel but I still fight for it! I want to see my brothers and sisters survive and thrive, even if they put me down or treat me like an outsider.

Tuesday: Don’t Ever Let Me Go.

My presentation went well and I felt empowered but this. This was the last day and it is always hard to go back to work. I learned a lot! Not only about information but about who I am. I believe that this was a Health Summit that is both educational and healing.
Will I ever be whole and okay? Maybe, maybe not, but at least I don’t have worry about feeling left out anymore. I realize my own strengths and see the faults in my community. I know that I have to distance myself from things for a while and rediscover who I am.

XOXO,
Stupid Boi