So last night I lay awake in bed taking a personal inventory on my life. I sometimes do this because I have to look at all the things that I have done. I usually break them down into categories cause I am OCD like that. So I thought that I would blog about it.
Money: Now I have a job that I actually like doing. Thank G*D! It helps to pay the bills but I could stand to have more money. I mean who really doesn’t want more money? Even Bill Gates is figuring out ways to make more money. I don’t think that anyone would argue me on this one. I know that money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I would like to try! (LOL) For me it isn’t about having millions, it is about being comfortable. Having what I need when I need it. I am working on that. I must say it is hard.
Love: I have a lot of love. My family and friends love me…I think! I really don’t know what more you could want from people. Love is so important. It is what will make or break you. There have been scientific studies on that. It is important to feel loved by someone. There is more to this thought; I want to fall in love with someone one day. I hope and wish for that day to come. Sex is sex and that is an action, but it is so much more important when you actually have feelings for the person that you are having sex with. I really don’t know how these porn stars do it? I couldn’t be that intimate with someone that I didn’t care about. I guess I will just have to continue to wait for the love of my life. Sometimes it is so hard not to search for that person in someone who isn’t what is good for you. I know that! I have learned that lesson so many times, often the hard way. Maybe I fall in love too quickly; maybe I am just glutton for punishment.
Good Person? There are many people who would argue that that I am not a good person. Maybe I wasn’t to them. I try hard to be very nice to a lot of people. Sometimes I am just not that nice. Maybe because there is something about you that I just don’t like. My intuition tells me there is something wrong with you. I trust that because it has never lead me astray. If you don’t like me that is fine, but understand I really can’t put much merit into your hate. I try to help people. Maybe too much sometimes. I really don’t want people I care about to feel hurt or sad. Maybe I push sometimes to want to make okay.
Finally I always reevaluate my intentions. I want to make sure I am not being that person who has a hidden agenda. Often when I do this, I make sure that I tell the person involved what my real intentions are. I thought long and hard about my current friendships and relationships with others. I know the truly my friendships are pure on my end. I want nothing more from anyone else then just their friendship. As for my other relationships…I am not sure. Maybe I am just a “narcissistic self-promoting faggot” as I was told lately. Maybe I do care if I make a name for myself in this world. I have put in the work though, so I think I deserve it. I have work hard on my projects that are going to make me a name. So it really isn’t a hidden agenda it is really about being noticed for my work. It feels good to know that there are people who see what I have done. Will it make me millions, HELL NO, but it will open doors
So that is what I have to say today!
XOXO,
Stupid Boi
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