Hey Stupid Boi, happiness is only a bar stool away!

Tonight was a good night. I got to think a lot about what it means to be who I am. I sat tonight at Vickie's bar doing outreach for work. I watched the people in the bar and how they acted to each other. You could tell that there was some unrequited love, some true love, some broken hearts, and some jaded people. All of these people had one thing in common. The were drinking away any sense of who they are.

I got to thinking, because I was sober, what is it that I want? I then realized that I was alone, romantically. I knew that at the end of the night I would be going home to my one bedroom apartment. I was alone…the funny thing is, is that I am happy. How could someone be alone and happy? That doesn't make any sense. So I continued to smile through the night…making small talk with different people. People continue to tell me how great my personality is and that I am doing good work. I appreciated that. I just felt as though something was wrong with me. How can someone be alone and happy?

When I smile, I know that it makes others smile too. I am pretty you know…lol! It's just that when people ask me what's wrong…I refuse to tell them because you are not really gonna take the time to change the way I feel. I then get asked how are you so positive? You have changed! Just because I chose to be happy doesn't mean that I am different. I chose to wake up in the morning and say…your are amazing and believe it. If you ask most people who know me they will tell you that I truly believe that I am a great person with many gifts to offer. I will make someone very happy! But first I want to make me happy!

Yes I want to find someone to love. But I truly believe in the fact that we own our own feelings. If I want to be happy alone then how does that make me a freak. It just does. We grow up hearing about how to be complete we have to find that special someone to make a life with. I say FUCK THAT! I am complete with who I am. So I realized I may be alone but I am not lonely.

In the words of Snow White…some day my prince will come. Someday I will fall in love again. I will wake up next to someone and think "God! You are so beautiful…I am so lucky!" I want to smile with someone, cry with someone and even hold them when it's cold outside. But who am I to decide when that is.

I know people say to find someone you have to stop looking. I agree and disagree with that statement. Yes you have to be okay with yourself. YOU have to be your boyfriend for a while, but you also have to pay attention to what is going on around you. You may miss your prince the first time around. This is hard to balance. Believe me I know, but you have to find that balance.

I saw this couple tonight…The one was the exact picture of who I want to be with. You know the person that you imagine yourself with. He was the most beautiful man…then I meet his beautiful partner…isn't ironic…don't cha think? I watched them for a while and it was so beautiful. They were perfect for each other. You could just tell that they were made to be together. That's what I want! If I have to sit a wait for it…I am okay with that.

I know this all sounds a little confusing…but I am a little tipsy…I didn't say I stayed sober. Ultimately, what I am saying is that I am happy with myself. Though some may see my confidence as a shield, and it is sometimes, I am truly happy. I just have to say…if I don't love myself…who will?