Stupid Boi is nothing more | nothing less

The other day I had a jolting realization.  I can honestly say that I can only be defined by one thing, HIV.  I am an educator, that is the only thing in my life that I can define myself as.  I am nothing more. I've been the "AIDS/Condom/Sex Guy" for so long that I forget sometimes how to turn that off.  It's hard to be a part of a community and everyone wants to talk to you about sex/sexuality all the time.

I watch the world around me go by, there are so many people being defined by so much more then their job.  I know roller girls, mothers, sisters, brothers, and so much more.   I am a lot of those things by title only.  I am a brother, uncle, and son; not that I have really ever done anything about any of those things.

I am not a great uncle or brother...never really done anything that has made my family really take notice.  I am not even that great at my job.  I am, however, really good at being a know-it-all and being an egomaniac (or so I've been told...see I am not even confident in that).   I learned recently to just accept that some people just don't like me.  It has taken me my entire adult life to learn that.

I guess I haven't really tried to be anything else either.  I mean, I hide behind this bitchy exterior, when in reality there is nothing more then a scared little boy playing at being a man.  I don't feel my age, I defiantly don't look it. :-)  I am just unsure about who I am...which in turn makes me really crazy because I feel that I am too old to not know.

I guess this is the whole meaning of life question, right? What is does it all mean?  I just want some direction, I want some ambition...I love what I do, but I want to be more. I want to be interesting like my friends.  My friends are all really talented people...singers, actors, writers.  I am mediocre at all those things at best.  I am just an educator, not that there is anything wrong with that.  I mean, I could change people's lives...not that I would know.

I guess I don't even feel like a good educator.  I take what I do too seriously.  I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me a question about my job.  I responded "it's more then just a job, it's my life...it's all I know".  After I said that I felt so foolish...but it's true.  It is all I know, maybe it's all I'll ever be. Just your mediocre  run of the mill HIV educator.

Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook of my friends and I envy them.  I look at their lives and what they are doing. I have a friend who teaches in Korea, another going to the Peace Corps, and another who travels the world making it a better place.

I guess I have just always believed that I was supposed to be great. Do something big...make people notice.  I am not sure that I even notice myself anymore.  I just mechanize my whole life.  Wake up...work...sit on my ass...sleep.

Maybe I wasn't meant for anything...just another brick in the wall.

Stupid Boi Returns...again!

Hi There!

Remember me? Sorry it has been soooooo long since I last wrote anything.   Things are a lot different for me now.  In Feb I went through, what can only be described as, a mental break.  It was a long road to recover.  I also was diagnosed with Celiac disease and have lost 80lbs.  I left Facebook, for now and really haven't gone out much.

That is pretty much it in a nutshell.  Recently, I have learned that people cannot and will not dictate my happiness.  I have to achieve that on my own.  So, I set out on an Adventure to make this life more exciting and happy.

In true Stupid Boi form, I have an obsession with this boy.  (not a crazy, I wanna here you breath through your window type)  Just like I really wonder what this person in like.  I don't actually know this person at all, other than what I see on my work's Facebook account.  (which I obviously can't use to make the connection and wouldn't)

He isn't really that much my type.  Although there is something alluring about him.  Not that he posts a lot or says anything profound; there is just this weird draw I have to him.  I am not really sure what it is.  What I do know is that he is an art student, probably in photography. (there is an album called school work with pictures).  Yes, I Facebook stalk him when I have the chance too.

It's just a really weird thing for me.  I have never spoken to him or seen him (in person).  I don't even know if we have mutual friends. (not that I would ask them to introduce me, because then that makes it really creepy.) I just know that I am drawn to his photos and profile.  I am not sure what exactly caught my eye.  I am rambling on, sorry.

I just wonder if it would be one of those situations where I would meet him and he would turn out to be someone that I totally wouldn't get along with.  On the other hand, I could meet him and he could be the person I imagine him to be. Maybe I'll never know or maybe it is too much Felicity on Netfix.  Or MAYBE this is just one of those Craigslist Missed connections that never gets reconciled.

Either way you'll being here more from me coming soon.

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi and Friends

So, I am not going to do one of these silly little 2010 year in review things...I will do a Friends in review thing.  I just want to talk about some of the great people that I have meet and continue to be in my life.  They will all have nicknames so it's a little game for them to figure out!

To the Alpha to my Omega.  Damn! You are the only person who can actually handle all the crazy shit I pull.  I am really glad that you are just as fucking crazy as I am...you just won't admit it. I hope that there are many happy returns for the two of us.  One of these days...we are going to end up in jail or famous!

Anita: I am glad that I got to give you that drag name.  I just have one question for you: How the hell you gonna have me on a couch? I am glad that I actually met you. Those two weeks made the world of difference to me.  It gave me that chance to know "That I could, if I really wanted too".  The other advise: "When you walk into the room, there are 30 people just like you..." made more sense then you will ever know!  It is amazing how you can let someone into your life that cannot be easily removed!

He was looking at me! I want to say thank you for all your help this year.  You really helped me through one of the darkest moments in my life.  You housed me when I couldn't and just helped me in so many ways.  You are one of the most AMAZING human beings on this planet. And that is from a Sistas Point of View.

The Russian Spy: I don't know how or why we connected...again! I guess that was destiny! I don't know how to begin to articulate how I feel about you.  All I know is, I want you to know that you are amazing and I admire you. 

I like your jeans:  Who are you? I feel at any moment this will turn into an episode of Touched by an Angel? We have a weird connection...I don't know how to describe it. I love it.  There is something deep within you. This is strange, but sometimes you make friends with someone and after a while it fizzles.  I love that little hint of green I see when I talk about hanging out with other people! Don't worry...nobody will replace you Pati Time!

To my favorite ladies club: You make me smile...everyday! I still don't know how I would have gotten through those dark moments without your support! Thank you!

To the man who "Pays my movie bills":  I really appreciate you! You are so much fun!  I really like going to the movies and hanging with you.  I can't wait to see what kind of trouble we get into! Get the bail money ready, y'all!  PS you little southern twang is fucking adorable!

Stubborn Monkey: I want you to know that I really enjoy having someone to text! I actually really like getting texts from you everyday.  It is really nice! I hope that the future shows you that some of us are really nice people.  I promise you that "this too shall pass" (a la Ditty).  I just want you to know that I have my first aid kit handy and I am always ready to help! One of these days you will know.

These are the people who stay on my text list at all times!  I really have enjoyed meeting you! 2010 SUCKED and can kiss my ASS. You guys were the ones who made it a Fun! If you can figure out which one you are let me know!  

Not like the movies, Stupid Boi!

Why can someone write a beautiful story and yet not live it?  I wish I had this fairy tale life where serendipity, luck and right place, right time met.  I always wait too long and then it's too late. I never get that second chance like in the movies.  You know the clandestine meeting that will continue to happen until it finally clicks. Well, maybe it has? Maybe I am just blind to it.  That is just what has been on my mind today!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi.

Stupid Boi's Greatness!

There are many difficult things in life.  I have spent my whole life feeling different then everyone around me. I just knew that my destiny was for greatness. Right now, I am homesick and wish that I could just pack it all up and move somewhere, where there is nothing to do and my friends and I could just party all day.  Alas, I am not on Logo's "A-List New York".  (Although, I would be a much better character!)

I realize that instead of chasing pipe dreams, I, in fact; know what my purpose is in this world.  I was put on this Earth to do one thing.  I know that sounds really cliche and no I did not hear the voice of G*D or anything like that.   I just know what my purpose is.  Now, if I could just figure out how to make more money doing it.

My friend, Luci, gave me the best wake up call.  She said to me "when you walk into that room, you realize that there are ten other people just like you..."  That is the best advice I have ever heard.  It had to do with something specific, but I think it translates to life.   Sometimes, it's just easier to blend into the crowd then to stand out; and sometimes its makes things easier when you realize you are not alone. 

I forgot to stop and look around at what I had, I have spent too much time trying to impress other people and taking the people in my life for granted.  I finally realized that my destiny is not greatness...it's gratefulness.   I have to be grateful for all the people who have touched my life.  I am not going to make some blanket statement about how everyone come into your life for a reason. Some people are just filler!

There are a select few people in this world that I would have to say have changed my life for the better.  Some have given me a sense of G*D and other spiritual information, some are the shoulder to lean on.  Some are there to just send you the text to say "hi" and make your entire day better. Then there are the ones who will lift you up, push you down, and slap you in the face.   All of these people are the best things that have happened. 

This past weekend, yet another person told me that I gave them the strength to "come out".   At first it made me a little angry...then I realized that I had done something great.  I always knew I was destine for greatness!  So off to new adventures...new heights...new lows...always grateful!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Y'all Stupid Boi is Angry.

Change! Can someone change?  I have to say that in the past couple of months, I have really hated myself.  I hate what people call me.  I know that I dug that hole.  I mean could I really be that Bitchy?  Am I the most Offensive person you know?  Or is it that you don't actually know me?

Just the other night I was so Fucking nice to someone who made fun of me and the work I do TO MY FUCKING FACE.  It took everything I had not to lay that cunning linguist (see what I did there) out! I am sorry that you think what I do for a living is something to make fun of...you won't be laughing so FUCKING Hard when you have to come and get tested or G*D Forbid that test comes back positive.  In fact I smiled and the FATHER FUCKER and refrained from reading him like I had a test the next day!

Oh shit, y'all Stupid Boi is angry...as usual.  I am just so tired of feeling like I don't measure up...no matter what I do.  Just once I want someone to stop saying "you do good work" and actually help!

I am sorry that I had to post this...it just had to come out, because I can't spend one more night crying.  I have done some real damage to my self-esteem, self-worth, and my mental health.  I just can't take this anymore! I know I should be more "thicked skinned" but I am not.  Sorry I cannot be the nicest most humble person in the world. 


Thank You,
Stupid Boi

A reality set in for me, that in this life there are so many moments...and from one to the next, I don't know where I am.  Tonight was the night, today was the last. It was going to be no more coming home, no more tears of regret. After tonight...there would be a statement. No longer in the dark, just following the light.

I guess there will be more to that story after all...

Stupid Boi is an Angry 13 y/o girl

Check it out!

Stupid Boi asks: "Does it really get better?"

On the eve of the Out of the Darkness walk here in Bloomington; I want to talk a little bit about suicide and bulling. 

Our children our killing themselves, because we as adults cannot understand how to live harmoniously.  In turn we teach our children to hate and spew this hate. Hate is a learned event!  This isn't something new!  If this was just a recent event, there wouldn't have to be organizations like the Trevor Project.  We need to remember that when we as adults hear children spewing this hate, it is our obligation to stop it. 

I take no issue correcting a child about hate speech!  I don't care if it changes their mind or even the parent's; I know that when I do, another child who feels helpless may find hope in that action. 

I want to also take a moment to talk about "It Gets Better".  I love this idea of spreading a message of hope.  That one day it will get better.  I have found so many friends and "family" that make my life complete.  However, yes there is a however, I had a friend in Iowa who committed suicide not because of childhood bulling; but because of the bulling he felt from his own community!

Brothers, we are bulling ourselves!  That dirty look you give in the bar because someone doesn't meet your standards of beauty or when someone says "hello" and you ignore their politeness.  That too is Bulling!  Not everyone in this world is attractive to everyone else, but I think it is important to know that there is a moment that someone could just be polite.  

I learned early that "Reading is fundamental"!  While I get that most of the time is should be in good fun, some of us take it too far.  Sometimes you just don't know where someone is in life.  Take a moment to get to know the person sitting next to you at the bar. Make a statement by making your group of friends the most accepting.

We are bullied by our own image of perfection. There are so many people in our community that are so interesting!  The other day, I meet someone who is much older than myself and learned that he used to be a dancer in Vegas and Europe.  We had so much in common (Musical Theatre love).  Had I allowed myself to be the person who I want to be, the bully; I would have never meet such an interesting person.

I urge you to take a stand against bulling, invite someone new to your table, you don't know what they may bring.  It is so important that we show these children that it Truly Gets Better!

Stupid Boi takes a deep breath!

I love Davey Wavey! Even when I am have a really bad day, like today, I can just read his blog and it makes me feel better. Lately, I have been feeling a lot of “I’m not ___________enough” to do anything. When I went over to Mr. Wavey’s site I found this  Davey Wavey


It made me feel that I could do anything. On a side note, “Feeling Good” started playing as I was reading it. This just goes to show that even when it seems that the Universe is out to get you…it really isn’t. (that wasn’t terribly poetic…sorry).

So today I am going to just take a deep breath and let the Universe take over!

Stupid Boi, Eh!

I'm Baaaaack!  Hello there readers of the the lost arc! I just got back from Sault Ste. Marie, MI.  That's right...the Soo!  I was asked to play a little role in a little musical by a friend.  (The Big, Fat, Broadway Hit) You guessed it....HAIRSPRAY! (You guys are so smart!)  

The only problem is that now...I have revived a sleeping beast!  I cannot remember the last time I felt that I really wanted to do this.  No, I am not packing up my bags and chasing pipe dreams...yet! Soon enough!  

What are your Dreams?

Stupid Boi's Facebook Friend

Hey There!  So I am off on another adventure!  To where you ask?  Ah...that is a secret! 

I do want to ask you all a question...Do you have a Facebook Friend that you really don't know, but the only reason they are on your page is because you find them too cute?  I do!  There is this guy on my friends list that I just find too adorable for words! (Obviously not!)

I really don't know who he is and he requested my friendship! Just a thought!  How is your life going?

Stupid Boi dreams in Technocolor

Hey there bloggerella!  So, tonight I had the strangest dream!.  I dreamt that I had died.  I really don't know how I died, just that I did.  Well when I arrived in Heaven, there was an escalator which took you to a department store.  That's right kids...like Macy's.  Well I was standing there with a friend and my uncle (who is not dead) came over to greet me and take me to the buffet.

At the buffet my mother and sister were there.  They said we were going to go shopping at the mall.  First we had to eat because that is how you pay for things in Heaven.  So, we went to the mall...I guess I needed a new pair of shoes because I ended up in the Footlocker! So, in the Footlocker, I over hear these two guys talking about how the one died in Jail and that he had been back like 18 times that month. 

The whole time I just kept thinking that I was not going to stay in Heaven, that I would. in fact, return to my Earthy body.  My only other thought was..."I hope I get to keep the shoes"!  It was the strangest dream...I wonder what that all means!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi at a Crossroads

You know the saying "never meet your hero!"   I have learned that lesson many times.  However, I feel that is only half the truth.  I feel that sometimes you make friends and then somehow they become your hero!  Sometimes, they say things to you that affect your whole out look on life. 

Someone said something to me in passing the other day and for some reason I have just been thinking about it a lot.  I guess that means it was really meant to be something that you needed to here. That's all I wanted to say tonight. Nothing too profound...just keep your eyes open and your heart full!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi had Committed Microbicide

Microbicides…what does that mean? A microbicide is any compound or substance whose purpose is to reduce the infectivity of microbes, such as viruses or bacteria. Why yes, I did just give you a vocabulary lesson! Why am I talking about this? That is what I am doing at this moment.


You see children; Stupid Boi is on another adventure. This time I headed to Pittsburgh, home of the 2010 International Conference on Microbicides. In my line of work Microbicides are an important new technology being developed to prevent HIV transmission. Right now, Microbicides are in clinical trials all over the world!

What does this mean for you? Well, first of all, Microbicides give Women the power over HIV infection. It allows us to provide another way to prevent infection. It is under the same context that if you do not want to get pregnant you should use condoms and birth control right? Two prevention methods are better then one. This will also give Women the power to protect themselves in a discreet manner.

So why do I care? As a young gay man, I feel that is very important that we protect ourselves from HIV. Although, I do not have a vagina…I have an anus! There is advocacy and clinical work going on to develop Rectal Microbicides. This is very important in a community that sometimes forgets condoms.

Like I said before this is an international conference; there are people here from all over the world. One thing that I found funny was that someone came to the computer station I was at looking for the bus schedule. When I asked him where he was going, he said…Wal-Mart! He has never seen a Wal-Mart, and to him to complete his journey to the U.S. he has to go to Wal-Mart!


Another thing that I noticed was that, no matter where you are from…you have a Facebook page! I see so many people checking Facebook. I feel a little better about my addiction to it now!


If you want to learn more about Microbicides please check out:


The Global Campaign for Microbicides
International Rectal Microbicides Advocates

Come on, Sugar! Stupid Boi is Heading to Pittsburgh!

Hey Kids...I am off to the Pitts in the morning for a conf...so here is some traveling music!

Supid Boi is in your bushes!

Hey there kidos! (Hi Amy...Hi Jill!) SOOOO!  Before I head off to learn all about the booty juice in Pittsburgh; I thought I would check in and say hi! Actually, I really want to talk about Facebook Stalking!

So recently I have meet these two very attractive men!  Well, they both friend-ed me on the lovely Facebook! So, now I am just taking all of my time on Facebook trying to learn everything I should know about these people AKA I am Facebook Stalking them! I know creepy, right!

However, who is to say that they are not stalking me.  Remember the good ole days where you had to drive past someone's house or wait in the bushes to see them?  Now it is like information overload, 24/7!  I had this crush on someone in high school and my friends and I would pile into the car and on our way anywhere we would drive past his house. Good thing we lived nearby! (You know a mile in the other direction)

I don't know what is driving this obsession with stalking people via the interweb!  It is not only a little creepy, but really fun!  I mean now you don't have to pretend that you are not stalking someone...you can actually come out and say "Hey, I Facebook Stalked you today"  and that is totally cool!   I guess saying "Hey, I waited outside in your bushes and dug through your trash!" just isn't that poetic.

Wait, there is more!  You can also subscribe to their updates!  So now you can get a text message anytime they update their status!  It's almost like they are texting you...almost.  So here is to being the creepster that is in you "Facebook Bushes" just hoping you don't catch me! 

Who do you Facebook stalk? 

Stalk ya Later,
Stupid Boi

Eat Right, Stupid Boi!

Over the next couple of months I will be merging Flirt with Stupid Boi and the Adventures of Stupid Boi…why? Well, because, I am moving on to a new blog called “Eat Right! Stupid Boi” What is it about you ask? Ah…really do I need to explain that?

I just read a book called Life Force Energy. I have had this book for a while, but recently read it. I actually read it in one sitting! It makes a lot of sense. It is based on a Raw Food way of life. It explains that there are so many things that we put into our body that affect everything. It affects not only our health, but our mental state.

Since most of you know that I have General Anxiety Disorder (GAD); I wanted to try something like this so that I wouldn’t have to spend a lifetime on pills. To me, Western Medicine is something that you should use as a last resort! I do believe in Preventive Medicine is key to a health long life. There are so many things that go into Preventive Medicine though. Preventive Medicine is like maintenance on your car. If you get your oil changed and check the fluids, etc. your car will last you a long time.

This is just an effort to change the way I live. I really want to live a healthier and more productive life. I really think that this will help me achieve thing. I encourage you to read the book. I don’t want anyone to change the way they live or anything like that. I am changing who I am and brining you along for the ride.

I really hope that you will join me in this little adventure! (by reading and commenting) I would love to give a shout out to whoever it is in Russia that keeps reading the blog!


XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Where I am at...at the moment!

I breaking into something new here.  If you couldn't tell by the title.  This was my birthday weekend!  WOOT!  I had a great time.  I am sore from performing on Saturday night!  So, I am a year older. What does that mean to me? Nothing.

I don't feel any more mature, I don't feel anymore stable.  Actually, I feel just the opposite. I feel like all I am doing is running around trying to make things work and nothing is.  Maybe I am trying too hard.  I feel like I should probably tell you all my state of mind. 

I am not in a good place tonight.  Maybe it was the Goose, the Patron; but I am feeling depressed and lonely.  Very emo! I really want to be better then who I am right now!  I know that this is part of the mental illness that I have; and being a broke bitch, makes it hard to get help.  I do have insurance, but how do you pay the co-pay?

Anyway!  I am just in a weird mood and felt like sharing it.  Maybe you care, maybe you don't, but that is the jest of what is going on in my head.  I just wish there was a button to start over!  Something that when it gets this way I can just say okay "Redo" and make it all work out. 

Stupid Boi held Captive!

As some of you may know, I am in Chicago for training. I have to say that it is possible one of the better trainings I have been too. But, I am not talking about that.

I was in the elevator today and I look up and there is a small screen displaying different things; poems from 5th graders at local elementary schools, ads, little useless facts. (i.e. Did you know that the dye used to make things green is really toxic to the environment. So much for going Green, Huh!) I digress. I noticed that the company put a little saying across the bottom that says “you are watching captive network”.

So, you know I am not one of the great philosophers of our time…I mean I am no Margret Cho…but, I try. I thought about this on my way up the elevator. We are captive most of our lives. Yes, we have the freedom of thought, but how many of you actually think outside the box?

I run into a lot of problems with this. I do not believe that “Public Health Model” is in fact the most effective model. I think it falls into the category of what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. This is simply not true. I do understand that our hands are often tied by government, etc. This brings me back to my point! We are held captive by prevailing thought and not really evidence based rationale.

Even with the evidence based rationale, we are captive to show our numbers in the way they want us too. I would love to sit back and apply for a grant and be able to bring in the one person whose life was changed because of the work we did. That just wouldn’t work. WHY? Because we have to disseminate money to the people who are make the “Biggest” impact on the “Largest” group of people. (Utilitarianism in the most basic form)

Let us take for instance, Greenpeace and Mister Splashy Pants. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Splashy_Pants) The whole story boils down to showing that one whale can change the lives of millions of other whales. Simply by personifying one creature Greenpeace created real social change in Japan.

One human can change the lives of millions by having a unique thought. Creating that thought is something we do all the time. It takes action to make that thought valuable in the eyes of the community. Someone, thought about the public health model, now it is widely accepted by most everyone in the U.S. and dare I say the world. (Except me) There is a model for everything.

Taking the HIV Crisis with the public health model, probably went a little something like this: (according to the Centers for Disease Control)

1)Define the Problem: Gays are dying, Junkies are dying…HIV Virus Discovered.
2)Identify risk and protective factors: Sex, Sharing Needles/ Abstain, use condoms, needle exchange.
3)Develop and Test prevention strategies: Create a test, create a rapid test, implement testing, and define effective behavioral interventions.
4)Assure widespread adoption: Condom use=safer sex, using clean needles=less risk of HIV transmission,
5)Create Policy: Make the schools teach Abstinence only education, create laws that make it illegal to carry needles….WAIT WHA?

Now, I know that this is a VERY OVER SIMPLIFIED VERSION of this model, and there are other great programs out there that DO make a difference. It is just an illustration of how we can become captive to a process. That captivity stops us from being…excuse the catch phrase…Innovative.

Innovation has to come at a price. It comes with the inability to truly be free, unless there is some private funding out there that is willing to give it a chance! (but even then you have to prove it works based on standards set by “society”) Something I learned today; sometimes it takes a captive audience to get your point across!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi